Readjusting my expectations.

My sons are amazing.
I spent so much of my pre-mommy days being so sure that my kids would be a certain way, I would make SURE of it. But, as we all tend to find out several times over through out our lives, life just doesn't' work that way. You can't control other people, no... not even your own spawn. My children are everything I never wanted my kids to be, they're rambunctious and stubborn, they're bratty sometimes, and throw THE worst tantrums over THE most ridiculous things. They have no interest what so ever in learning, from me at least, what colors, shapes or letters are.
But, they are loving, kind and sweet happy little beings.
Yesterday, we were hangin out watchin T.V., and I looked at my 19 month old and said, "Boy, Mommy's cold." Didn't think nothing of it as he jumped up. Thought, maybe he remembered some toy he wanted from his room. A couple minutes pass, and he comes up to me, hands me his blanket and his brother's pillow. How thoughtful is that?
My older son, who will be three at the end of this month, saw his daddy's hands were cut up, he frowned, and asked, "Hands hurt, Daddy?"
His father said yes, they sure did. My son proceeded to blow gently on the cuts on his father's hands, and looked up, his big brown eyes full of concern for his father's well being. "Better?" He asked, and then very very gently rubbed his hands over the cuts...
It warmed my heart, and made me feel so lucky to know such a kid.. much less be the child's mother... So, he may not be everything I wanted my kids to be, but he's a million times better than anything I could have hoped for. It doesn't matter if my son wins the Nobel prize, or goes to ivy league colleges, in the end, all that really matters is that he's happy, that he's loving and kind. That he cares about others.

Tired of being Super Woman.

I'm tired of being super woman.
a person who's supposedly strong enough to bear the weight of a thousand problems on her shoulders, a person who's supposed to be able to read minds and work through problems by the end of the chapter.
I'm tired of having two hands, with the ability to do twenty things at once with them, and the ability to go days and days without sleep. I'm tired of flying in circles trying to turn back time when I can't get it far enough back to actually fix anything that went wrong. I'm tired of having to have duo personas to hide the real me from the world.
So this is my Cape, and my mask. I'll gladly hand over my super powers if only the promise that your kryptonite can no longer cause me any harm.

Poem "just a second away from falling apart at the seams"

Her eyes don’t smile anymore, her shoulders droop, her head is hanging low…

Confused as the wind on a stormy day, not knowing which direction to go….

She sees the faces of her sons, and she can’t help but to smile just a little….

She gives more than her fair share of love, without expecting a meet in the middle…

She allows the weight of everyone’s problems to sit on her shoulders…

Tries to be there for those she loves, and still it’s hard to find someone to hold her…

When at the end of the day, everyone walks away, she feels a little more empty inside.

She’s brushed everything off, and when asked she always says she’s fine.

She’s learned from the past, and present and other’s she’s helped to heal…

That it does no good to cry, it does no good to ask why, it does no good to feel…

She just lays down on her pillow, and when the tears start to brim her eyes…

She closes them tightly and starts telling herself some more lies…

“I’ll get through this okay, I’ll be just fine…

I’ll be stronger for this, It’ll just take some time”….

She looks in the mirror the next day and her eyes swollen from tears that escaped in her dreams…

So the next time you ask her, and she says she’s okay, she’s just a second away from falling apart at the seams…

Being Thankful...

I have been a big fat cry baby all week, comes with age I guess... hormones.

I watch something even remotely touching, and tears come to my eyes, or pour out... in buckets lately....

but today was a whole other level of emotions... I was watching a clip of Rachael Ray's show on my FB page, and it sent me reeling, I sobbed.. (and I do mean my shoulders were shaking, I sounded like I'd just lost my best friend) for this beautiful girl they had on the show who has battled cancer... and all the people she went to camp with. Never knew the girl a day in my life.

I am not sad for the girl in the Rachael Ray show, I was so happy for her, because she was such a strong person. She had an amputated leg and cancer and all these things going on, and yet. she smiles. She doesn't let anything stop her from living life to the fullest extent that she can. It just made me lose my emotional control because I felt for her mother. Imagine, your child going through something so awful, and watching as they take everything with a grain of salt and try to be the best of whatever they put their minds to, despite their situation, whatever it may be. It must be so scary, heartbreaking, sad... and yet she must also be so proud, and happy that her daughter is such a strong spirited girl/young woman.

My son found this little piece of fabric we used to use on him when he was an infant to wrap around his chest with little heart/breathing detectors attached... he had a SIDS machine from 4 to 6 almost 7 months of age. It was a very hard time. the times in and out of the emergency room, all the time with his doctor and ER doctors pretty much looking at us like they didn't believe us... finally after being sick of us showing up in his office, his pediatrician sends us to the children's hospital in Houston. there we stay for 5 days. they do a few tests.. simple tests really, but there's nothing more heart breaking than seeing your baby with wires running down their nose or attached to heart monitors, nurses coming in all hours of the day and night to give him medicine... He is eventually diagnosed with Sleep Apnea due to Severe Acid Reflux.

If you have ever had acid reflux, it burns your throat pretty badly. It's not about diet, it's just your stomach produces too much acid and it comes up and burns your esophagus, sometimes it comes up too high, and u can choke on it.... as adults we can sit up and catch our breaths easily... as an infant, he could only lay there, and of course since he was just a baby he didn't know hey rolling over could help this! They prescribed Prevacid and bethanacol (sp) and it helped out so much, and by the time he was 9 months old and able to sit up on his own, the acid reflux worked itself out...

Through all the blood drawn, and being held down for this test or that... He always smiled. They loved him, because he would wake up and coo and agoo and bat his long eyelashes at them and laugh... he was always happy. still is the little booger. He's almost 18 months now, and you of course would never know he had issues as an infant. He found that piece of fabric, and it made me tear up with happiness. I seen my baby turn blue, become lifeless and limp because he could not catch his breath, on several occasions. There was at least one time I was nearly positive my baby was gone. I woke with my heart in my throat because I heard the screech of that SIDS machine and heard him gagging....

And here he is now, running around, causing trouble with his big brother. There's nothing more I could ask for. Nothing.

So, It has recently occured to me...

I am okay.

You know, just when you start to think crap keeps piling up on you and you're never going to be able to crawl out of it... you see two women walking down the street looking angry and overhear them complaining about things you don't even halfway have to worry about... and you start to reflect and rearrange things in your life.

Yes, there's a lot of drama and heartache in my life sometimes. Sometimes I have no control over it, other times I am the cause of it because I can't just let people walk away from me without feeling like I've been heard. But, the drama is superficial, and can be wiped off, well most of it anyway. Some of it runs deeper than anyone will ever know. But I have come to a point that I am ready to wipe the superficial "drama" off my slate and start anew. I want happiness in my life, and the lives of those within my circle.

I know sometimes it's hard to let people walk away, but if that's what they need to do, then I need to start letting them walk. If they don't come back, they are the ones missing out, not me. I am a strong woman, a kind person, a loving mother, a good friend and a great lover (in and out of bed haha) and I deserve to have good loving strong kind great people in my life as well.... I can be mean, but often as a reflection of how I am being treated. - and sometimes I am just in a bad mood... I'm entitled to have bad days too... not just those around me. I don't always have to be the brick wall you lean on. I should be able to lean back on you as well.. like two trees bending in the winds...

Going back to school... ?

Sometimes, I think I've let myself down. I think I could be something really important in life, maybe not in YOUR life, but in someones life... you know what I mean? I have to keep reminding myself, that right now I am trying to do what's best for my children, but then I think, am I? Maybe I should go back to school, they are old enough now to be in daycare... I think I am officially ready to take that step. But Emotionally there are a lot of things going on that make me wonder if now is the right time to invest in my education... I am so frustrated by my own indecision and of course by my own scaredy cat social anxiety... the thought of being surrounded by new people and doing something for myself... it all seems like a waste...grrr see what I mean?! ... lol..

Life Goes Too Quickly

One day you're an infant, the next thing you know you're in kindergarten, the next blink you're a teenager with problems that seem so big, and your parents just dont seem to understand anything. Before you know it, you're an adult, those problems seem like jokes, as you pay your bills, and raise a family of your own. You see for the first time as your children grow, just how quickly time passes you by. You watch everything your son does and take it in, but it all passes so quickly, little things you think you'll remember forever, get lost in the chaos of having more children and the busyness of everyday life.

I know my mom must sit back and watch us with our children and see us make the same mistakes she did, and I wonder sometimes what goes through her mind. I was thinking how someone who is 100 must look back and think... where did the time go? It's just been overwhelming me the thought of my children being teenagers, and they are only one and two years old! I try to enjoy this time with them, playing with them on the floor, letting them tackle me with hugs and kisses, knowing one day they will think I am lame for wanting a kiss or a hug.

It Takes All Kinds

I think sometimes It’s amazing the way the human mind works… how very differently it’s wired in all of us. If it wasn’t, we would all share the same moral values, the same taste in food, music, and the same taste in people. We all look different, unless you have a twin, and even then, there’s always SOMETHING that people close enough to you could recognize right off the bat as a difference. - so how does that work? If we were all wired the same we’d all somehow have to look the same too.

How do some people get so frustrated because others don’t believe or think the same way they do? Instead of trying to stop and see the other person’s side of it, people just jump to their conclusions and stick to them. If it is something we don’t agree with, why are we so quick to throw out slurs to make the other person appear “bad” when we ourselves are not without imperfections?

I am not perfect. I am only human. I will make mistakes with my kids, I’ll make mistakes in my relationships, at my future career, and with my family and friends. I will try my best to recognize those mistakes, apologize if needed, learn from them, and move on. Is it wrong that I expect the same from others around me? Yes. Because we are not all built the same. It takes all kinds of people to make this world work. If we didn’t have people who thought differently we’d still be figuring out how to light fire…

It takes brilliant minds, ignorant minds and everything in between to make up the human race. Beautiful people, not so beautiful people, rich, poor… and the list goes on. But we all have one thing in common. The hearts, minds and blood that are in our bodies, it’s all made up of the same things. Our bones will break if hit hard enough, we’ll bleed if we’re cut. We know what it feels like to love.. In one way shape of form or another, and although some of us deny it we know what it feels like to hate.

I guess the point to this post is this, let thee who is without sin cast the first stone. Judge not, lest ye be judged. And so on and so forth. I sometimes claim to be open minded, and for the most part I am… I don’t mean I “agree” with a lot of people’s choices, but I’m usually pretty good at seeing their sides of the coin as well as my own. But, on some parts, I am completely closed off. I don’t get FULL on racism.. I understand being … uncomfortable with something or someone that’s different than you are, but the hate and ugliness I do not understand. I don’t get or understand a woman throwing a newborn child, dead OR alive in the trashcan. - I could say I might understand if she’s scared, but those aren’t the women I am talking about, I’m talking about the ones who do it without a second thought... That’s another thing I don’t understand.

But, I guess it's like I said, it takes all kinds. -

My love.

You know, I have been trying to refrain from talking about things that are too personal, things that are going on in my life right now. This morning is the morning I open up a little bit more.

I have been in this relationship with this really great guy, for about three and a half years... we've known each other for four. We have had a really hard year this last year, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally... we've done a good job at taking it out on each other. I think it's done two things, one... made me more aware of my own strength as a woman, and two... made me appreciate the little things.

We have been getting along a lot better, we have bumps in the road as with every relationship... but things are ironing themselves out. I pray and hope everyday we work things out and make this last because I love him with everything I have. I've made mistakes in my past that allowed me to let stuff slip through my fingers... I am trying my damnedest not to make that same mistake.

My man is a hard worker. Everything he does, he does with all he has... whether it's loving, fighting, working, being a dad, a son, a friend... There's one thing I've noticed. He's always there for people when they need him, even when they dont deserve it.

We have two beautiful, sweet sons together, and I'll always love him for giving me the gift of being a mother twice over. I know I've been mad at him for a long time... maybe because I felt like a failure myself. We were struggling and I felt like all I could do was watch us drown.

I have made the conscience decision from this point on to love him no matter what comes. I'll stand beside him, behind him and in front of him at any given point--- even when he doesnt do the same for me. We can't both be the "all or nothing" person in the relationship.. someone has to give a little bit... and since I think he gave a lot in the begining.... its not too much to ask for me to give a little bit myself.

We may fight and disagree about things.... but i'll be loving him while we do... and when we're done I'll make sure to let him know just how much I do love him.

I love you Sonny Ray Mays.

What's in a Name?

When I was a little girl, my kindergarten teacher insisted my name was Debra. Well I blew up on her. My name was Debralee… DEBRA was my mom’s name! I think I even cried… Why didn’t she understand?! Other names I went by, were Houston, my last name, Gizmo, by my cousin’s man, and when I was eleven they named me Shy Girl. When I was thirteen was the first time anyone ever shortened my first name and it kind of fit me. I was being introduced to this guy, he called me Beverly (it happens a lot) and I said, “No, Deb-ra Lee”… and he said… oh that’s a cool name… can I call you D’Lee… lol and that’s how D’Lee came about…

I often find myself meeting someone whose names don’t really fit them, and I wonder what’s in a name? How does it “fit” you? How does a handsome man with a perfect body get a name like Bob? Bob is a short fat balding mans name (I’m just saying… look at it… it’s a short fat name ha-ha). When I chose the names of my children, was I also filling in the destiny of who they will become? What will their friends call them; will those be the names they stick to when they are grown? Will Gabriel ultimately choose to be called Nicholas? Will he hate that he has three names? I don’t know what got me thinking about that… Maybe because my friend recently told me if I had another child soon it would be a boy. Another boy? What would I name another boy, I gave my sons the best names I could come up with dang it lol. So I came up with Domenic Angelo Nathaniel Mays. I like it. What do you think? I think Domenic goes well with Cody and Gabriel. I am hoping Gabriel will hate being called Gabe as much as I didn’t like being called by my mother’s name. I really don’t like Gabe lol. But he’s becoming a little Gabe. He’s growing up, and has this “I rule, you drool” persona lol. Cody reminds me of a couple Cody’s I’ve known.. A little clumsy, sheepish, smiley, and just easily puts a smile on the face of most people he knows.

Does choosing a name like George, John or Thomas make a child more likely to have a better easier life? Will it make them smarter, more career oriented? Maybe they’d become little politicians.

I guess in the end, I just keep coming back to the thought.. What is in a name?…

　

Hope.

I talk to my friends about their relationships, and they all open up to me. I try to keep my mouth shut, but the older I get, the harder it gets. If he ain't worth a damn I'm more likely to tell you nowadays. I used to sit there and listen to my girls while they'd pour their hearts out to me, but after going through my own heartaches I've come to this conclusion.

Love is nothing but a Hope in our heart. If we love someone, no matter how bad it gets, we just keep hoping it'll change. I mean, yeah, some of us get up and walk away.. but after how many battles.. how many arguments? how many "one last chances"? How many excuses do we have to make up for our significant other before we realize that we're making up the excuses, and accepting them before they even come through the door...

How can we watch the clock, knowing he's out with someone else in our hearts, and when his lies come pouring out at 4am about where he was, we sigh with relief. We know if we push to hard the cracks will show so we hug them and kiss them, and when they reject our move for more... we accept the excuses of them being tired.... sore... even though we know its lies.

How can we feel the burn of his hand across our cheeks and not want to run in the other direction? how come some of us cling harder... try harder to make them see it doesn't have to be that way... hope for the exception, pray for his love to return?

When he wraps his hand around your neck and slams you against the wall...will you walk away then? Or will you beg HIS forgiveness instead? Will you tell him how sorry you were to make him mad, hurt him... when he reaches back to hit you will you flinch?

When you know his alcoholism is not going to end... and his drug use is serious... and he will never chose ur over his addictions... will u stand beside him or walk away? Love is Hope. Hope is Love. Everything we expect out of love is merely a simple hope... i hope he never cheats on me, beats on me, leaves me for another woman, decides to put the bottle down, asks me to marry him.... i hope he stops leaving me lonely.. i hope it changes soon.... and eventually when our love is spent.... we walk away.. do we take hope with us? after being broken and undone so many ways... do we continue to hope, love.. have faith in another person?

Mothers.

I am part of a website, I'll leave the name of it off this post. Its a website surrouding mothers and their everyday lives. They have every walk of life you can think of on there. The website has been helpful, entertaining and generally all around great to have since I've become a mother. I noticed something on that website and it got me thinking:

we're all parents.. i mean i think for the most part we're all on here with a purpose..

to figure out in one way or another how to be better moms...

to vent on here so we dont vent on our families as much. if that means Susie Q learns that she was supposed to keep her kid in a RR seat til age 1, awesome! .. if it means Jackie O. learns that she's not the only one in the world who wants to pull her hair out on a daily basia even better!

Some of us come on here to teach other parents something.. whether it's a woman of six telling a new mom "hunny it's colic, just put him on the dryer" or a younger mom telling an older mom "well it's not exactly a fashion fauxpas (sp?) hehe to wear stripes and plaid together anymore." lmao.. something as simple as that..

I get that we're not all going to agree on everything... I even get the entertainment of the drama of seeing forty women fight over who's right and wrong about a subject. What I dont get, all bs aside..

is how any one of us could think we are perfect? I dont care if your kid went to harvard, stayed celebate til they were 24 and married, your child might be holding secrets from you because they never felt like destroying your perfect little image of them.

I make a lot of mistakes, I have two sons, but they are toddlers, so I am a relatively new mom. What I learn works for baby number one never works with baby number two.. they're are two completely different personalities. everything from discipline to when i introduced baby food...walking, how and when they teethed, talking and now potty training.. ---- even health wise.. Tylenol worked to get ds1s fever down, ibuprofen works better for ds2 (examples). So I have to be two different kinds of parent to my sons... so i dont get how anyone of you can think that YOUR way is so right for EVERY other kid on here.... when one way is clearly not even the case in my one household? :-/

It's Been Nine Years. Dedicated To Mercedes Talamante

It’s going on nine years…

It’s going on nine years now and the pain, it doesn’t fade…

I try to pretend like I’ve moved on but it still cuts me like a blade…

I still hear the cries of your family as they called out your name…

I still see myself in the corner trying so hard to keep it contained…

I still get a knot every time I remember the day I was told…

That you were gone and I’d never have you again to hold…

I avoid the city in which we grew up and became such good friends…

I pretend I’m angry at you, when all I want is for this to end…

The dreams still come, but your face is hidden in the shadows now…

You and I are always running from the darkness… But it always catches you somehow…

I feel so lost inside because I always knew…

That no matter what happened I could always depend on you…

So much has changed… nine years is a long time…

But I still wish today that you were by my side…

There’s so much I would confide in you, and you alone…

So much of my heart has turned into cold, isolated stone…

No one knows me like you did, Mercedes, no one ever will…

I’ll never forget that moment I’d heard that you were killed…

　

It’s going on nine years now, and I just wanted you to know…

You’ve never left my heart, even though I don’t let it show…

You’re always on my mind; I can’t let you go, even though I’ve tried…

I walked away from everything, and pushed it deep down inside…

Because for me, I guess it was easier to pretend…

That you were mad at me, than to think your life had come to an end…

Debralee Houston

July 16, 2010

My Cody.

My son loves to walk around with things on his head… buckets, boxes, backpacks large t-shirts. He loves to stumble around and thinks it’s hilarious when he falls down. He loves getting into everything and anything he can get his hands on… as long as it’s something he’s not supposed to be touching he’s just too happy. He’s fifteen months old. He has these huge beautiful eyes that show his emotions clearly.. The kind of eyes that will tell on him when he’s grown up enough to tell fibs. He has long eyelashes that’d make any woman envious.. Including his own mama haha. He loves to talk on the phone.. Especially when no one’s there. He can just babble away forever.

When a song with a good beat to it comes on he starts to wiggle his body and his head all at the same time in an attempt to dance and most often times he falls down because he’s so unbalanced. He loves veggies more than his big brother, tomatoes seem to be a big hit with him.

He’s a sweetheart. He loves kissing and hugging his big brother.. I don’t think anyone brings a bigger smile to his face than Gabriel… although Cody is almost always smiling. Even when he was sick as an infant he always had a smile on his face. He truly is an inspiration. When Nurses were holding him down and messing up his little veins because they didn’t know how to put a needle into a 4 month old, he’d be screaming his butt off.. And as soon as he calmed down just a little…. He would smile at me through his tears.. That was the most heartbreaking thing for me. To see he still had a smile on his face, despite those stupid nurses and those stupid doctors.

Cody Ray Has Been Such a Joy in my life… I don’t think I could ever be more happy a mother than with the two little rascals I’ve been blessed with.

S.A.D. - Do you know someone who lives with this?

Social Anxiety Disorder

I have lived with this my entire life to the eighteenth degree. My life and lives of those around me have been affected by it. My mom was always having to make excuses for me being “rude”…. when the truth is I had mini panic attacks when I met someone new. Sometimes it just embarrassed her, other times it straight out pissed her off. She’s learned that when it comes to me, it’s best to not force the issue.

My friends, the only two friends I had my entire adolescence were family friends, daughters of friends my mom had since before I as born. And even they were not entirely unaffected by my disorder. Mercedes was a great friend, she would come all the way to my house on the city bus just to go with me somewhere if I needed to go, because she knew I was scared, and she never really questioned why… I miss her a lot.

When I moved out for the first time I was 19 or 20 years old. I would literally go without rather than walk the three blocks to the grocery store by myself. I doubt that even if at that time I’d had a vehicle that I would have went by myself. My live in boyfriend at the time became so fed up with my fears of doing anything on my own and driving that he eventually broke up with me. - I’m sure that wasn’t the ONLY reason, but in the end he did say he wanted someone more independent than I.

He and a lot of his family members could never understand why it was so hard for me to be open and openly friendly to everyone. Even though my job required me to deal with people on the phone and in person all day everyday, as soon as I got home I was a wreck when it came to dealing with people. I was fed up with it as much as he was. I wanted friends of my own, I wanted a life of my own...

When I was twenty three, I got this gusto I’d never quite had before, I moved to Texas all by myself. I got my own apartment, my first car, transferred my job. Everything was entirely and completely up to me. That was the first time I truly felt like Id had wings.

Then I met someone new and after a year of dating off and on, we moved in together. I was seven months pregnant with my first son. At first I carried those wings over into my new relationship. But we were both so happy that we loved doing things together. Eventually I became used to it, and without realizing it the Anxiety had settled in slowly, like a delayed poison. And Now here I set, and it seems that all that hard work I’d built up in my early twenties trying to be an independent woman has gone out the window. I know how to drive but the very thought sends me into a panic. I honestly would RATHER go to the store by myself in theory it’d be a lot easier for me… but the thought honestly makes me a little more than nauseated.

I don’t know how to deal with it, and I fear it is now affecting the relationship I have with this man who I adore. I think I place a lot on his shoulders at times. and for those of you with a disorder or who care for people with one, you know it’s hard to explain to them why you feel the way you do…. There really is no explanation for it.

It just is.

The Stress.

I get lost in the stress of everyday life sometimes. So much so that I just wanna walk away from everything. I get angry and stay that way for awhile... Despite my want and love of being a possetive person. I just wonder if anyone else feels that way. You just want to be someone people like to be around, but everyday life just brings a dark cloud over you and people rather stay away....

If so, then how do you work through it? I've become so overwhelmed with things that I can't seem to crawl out of my dark hole before someone or something else comes up that knocks me back down into it. ( I am also one of those people who realize we can't blame other's for our attitude.. but understand that everyone in yout life effects everything about you, whether they bring you up or down... its not always up to you how they effect you, and it's not always a "choice" to get rid of them if they are the type to bring you down). I used to write and that'd help me escape, but now with two small children, the writings are few and far between and always interupted swiftly.

Friends.

When we were young we chose our friends with simple discretion's... like "ooh i like her shoes!"
or "everyone else likes her!" Of course everything was simpler back then wasn't it? When we're grown and we have children, we become a little more cautious of who we put in our lives because it ultimately effects our children's lives... even if we don't always make the right or best decisions... we try. A lot of the friends we had as children are no longer in our lives, and the few that stick around are extremely special to our hearts.

When those bad people are in your family, or a dear friend you've had since before you can remember, it's harder to walk away from them. Sometimes, even though you know they're bad for your emotional and sometimes physical health, you let them in because you can't help but to care about the person. How do you turn your best friend since eighth grade away, when she needs your help?

It's hard sometimes, but sometimes you have to do whats best for your family... your children, and if it comes down to that, then I can see putting those people out of your life without a second thought. --- it would be a lot harder if it were actual family, there might be quite a few second thoughts on that one, but if it needed to be done, then I could still completely understand someone doing it.

Here's another twist and turn on that thought. What if your significant other had a problem with your friend. would you stop talking to them? would you cut that person out of your life to save your relationship? Or would you simply tell your loving better/worse half that they are in ur life whether they like or not, deal with it?

Friends, good ones, are really hard to come by. There always seems to be a catch. My personal experience has been them pretty much saying "Be there for me, but don't expect me to be there for you, and when I do happen to grace your issues with my opinions, I'll make sure not to take your feelings into consideration" lol okay that was a long quote... but not too over exaggerated. I can honestly say I do have a couple of good friends. Best friends? no. Other than my sisters, and fortunately for me I do have two pretty different but great sisters.

I have always been the last one to walk away. I, for some reason, always find myself trying to rectify the situation. Beating a dead horse so to speak, because I just can't see walking away from someone I have cared for. I don't think it's the right thing to do, even when my logical mind is saying it is, my emotional mind is screaming otherwise.

My Boys

The minute I can no longer rock them in my arms, or hold both of them at once, or tickle them while they roll on my freshly made bed, is going to be one of the biggest heart breaks I may suffer. They’re both growing up so fast. The years, which seemed to be going too quickly before, have hit warp speed. I know now that the world is no longer in the palm of my hand, for when I gave birth to my sons, I handed it to them and I hope they’re wise enough to know what to do with it. It’s a scary place sometimes…

The day they grow to form their own opinions on how their lives SHOULD run, will be heart breaking as well, for it will be another sign of them becoming young men. I know they’re only toddlers. I look at my nephews, who just yesterday were two boys toddling after one another reeking havoc on the house… Now they are 16 and 17, nearly at adulthood… reeking havoc on the world lol.. I know first hand how quickly the clock moves… and since these are children of my own, instead of my sisters‘, I know the clock will move a billion times as fast.

I take so many pictures I’ll have to buy a computer soley for the purpose of holding pix. I want so badly for my sons to remain small innocent children, but everyday more and more they are showing me that will not happen. There’s been nothing in my life, and I have been through a lot, so teaching as being a mommy to my two wonderfully awesome babies.

Debralee Houston.

Thinking about it....

I am a huge over thinker. That is something that will most likely never change about me. If I bump heads with someone, I am always and forever rethinking how I could have approached it better. Which, is kinda funny because I am also a very closed mouth person. I rarely give someone my honest opinion of them, because I try my hardest not to be judgemental. I am not a perfect person, and even though there are some people out there who I either disagree with their way of living or just don't get it, I don't want to be completely closed minded about it.

When I was younger, I was a writer of "stories", and being open minded about things allowed me to be a writer, who, as an innocent twelve year old, wrote of drugs, gangs, sex, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, sexual abuse etc... Although there were plenty around me who'd dealt with those things, at the age of twelve none of those things had ever crossed my mind, other than in my writings. I asked my close friend plenty of questions, and thank God, she was always more than willing to help me, and give me criticism even when I didn't want it. HA HA. But it was always helpful. I payed close attention to people's lives and of course I watched a lot of movies... I put it all together and got five really good stories that unfortunately are lost in an ancient computer... sighs... anyway...

I haven't been an honest writer of stories since I was younger (probably around eighteen). I think that gives me too much time to be stressed and agonize over things that don't matter. Maybe I will pick up the "pen" again and give it an honest go 'round. Maybe I can do what I used to do and take out my frustrations on my charectors!

Well that is my post for the day.

Mother's Day

I seen on the news yesterday about how someone did a study, and it seems that women whose men forget to do something special for them on Mother's Day are more like to cheat than women who're with men who forget anniversaries and birthdays.
Now I was thinking about it, and it makes pefect sense. A man who renege's on a day which celebrates US giving BIRTH to THEIR children is a man who honestly needs a kick in the ass. Don't get me wrong, I dont condone cheating at anytime, but if you can't even get some giddyup in your step to get your woman a card, then you suck.
We work hard as the mommies and mamas and mothers and moms of the world and deserve a day to celebrate it. And it's not like anniversaries and birthdays, Mother's day is advertised on TV, at stores, on the radio, even on your Social Networking Sites, there's really no excuse for not doing something special on this day.

I hope all you mommies of the world get something special tomorrow, whether its a diamond necklace or a macaroni collage... and remember your SO come next month and father's day!

My Son.

My older son Gabriel. He's a two year old who is has a level of energy that I've never seen before. He loves to sing to whomever will listen... he grabs up his toy guitar or the little keyboard and goes to town on it while screaming out lyrics to God only knows what song.... at the end he smiles, claps and says "Alright!" and expects you to do the same. He is an outdoorsy kinda kid.. who really really dislikes getting his hands dirty. He's a sweetheart with a bad temper. He is the kinda kid who doesn't mind looking goofy as long as it makes you laugh... he loves Elmo, and idolizes Shrek.

I spent a lot of time as a teen, imagining my first child, and Gabriel just doesn't fit that kid I had in my mind. First off, it was ALWAYS a girl lol... a calm child who was more like me, laid back and of course well behaved. And you wouldn't know it to see him now, but Gabriel used to be that Baby. He was the most well behaved infant I have ever seen... and then he turned ten months old and changed completely. He became more tempermental and demanding. He's more stubborn and defiant. I guess it's typical, but I have never seen a child go so completely from A to Z like he did. He's taught me more about life and love than anyone before him. He's taught me patience and when to let things go. He's taught me it's okay to dance around the house, hell it's fun! He taught me everything I needed to know to be a better mom to his younger siblings.

I often look at him and wonder if I will do the same as so many parents do... expect him to take the reigns when I am unable. I dont even think most of our own parents realized they were doing it to the eldest child.

My own "big" sister was very much like a mother to me, she was often the one I turned to when I needed a "mom". It makes me wonder now, who did she have to turn to? Will Cody and any other younger siblings I may produce, look to Gabriel the same way? Is it necessarily a bad thing if they do? How do you Keep from doing that?

As a stay at home mom, I think we often become forgotten. Forgotten by our parents who now look forward to seeing our children more than us, forgotten by our significant others, even our friends who don’t have children forget us. Our infants become toddlers and they forget how much they loved cuddling and cooing with Mama. Sometimes even we forget about us. We forget that we have needs and wants and dreams, some women even forget that they matter. It’s so easy to become a Robot.
It’s funny to me, because I was once asked by a friend of mine, a friend who didn’t have children. “What do you do all day?” I think a lot of us are asked that question. I said, I take care of my son and clean the house. “That’s it? I would go crazy just sitting around the house all day!”
Ha. Sitting around the house all day is not part of our description. I get up, I make the boys breakfast, I change their diapers, wipe their faces, feed them, clean up that mess, sit them down for some Sesame street while I clean the kitchen and attempt to clean the house up. They of course don’t stay sitting and while I’m cleaning this room they are going right behind me and tearing up that room… I take them for a walk, we might play outside for awhile, and then it’s lunch time, make them lunch feed them, put them down for a nap…. Start the laundry, clean the messes they made while I was cleaning… haha… and start it all over again when they wake up. Yeah, sometimes it gets lonely, and sometimes I wish I could be out in the working world again… but I wouldn’t much rather be a stay at home mom than leave my kids with strangers, only because I have had a personal experience with a bad daycare.
I think it’s insane to think that a stay at home mom is someone who does not work. If that were the case, than please explain why daycare providers, nannies, babysitters and any other kind of child care receive monies for their services? Why do Maids get paid to clean? Why do nurses get paid to care for sick people? I mean, if what mothers do is not work, than why the hell are we paying everyone else to do the same things?
I do have to give props though, to those women who do work, and come home and take care of the household solely on their own, to single mothers, and mothers who have husbands who don’t help out. I have to give props to the men who work their butts off to support their children and give their significant others a chance to BE stay at home moms.

I found a charm today. It was one of those square charms with initials on them, The kind you put on friendship bracelets. The letter was an S. I bought it when I first started working at Hobby Lobby. I bought it because I was crazy in love with this boy who’s name began with an S.
It makes me laugh now to think about the impulse I had to buy that. We were apart at the time, still a couple, but living in two different states. I was walking by the charms one day, and I saw the S, and I bought it. I put it in a special box… along with a heart pendant he bought me. It’s still on its card, I didn’t really have any intentions with it, other than the fact that it had an S.
I am a different person now. I’m With a different man, but that girl, who bought the S because it reminded her of her lover, she’s still a huge part of who I am too.
Imagine what it would be like, had I never been her? I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today… who I am today. I gave of my heart in complete trust that if he tired of having it, he would give it back to me gently. What a fool I was, but I learned from that lesson… just as many mistakes I’d made before that… and the mistakes I’d watched other make.
I often wonder, if one day we’re given the power to go back and change one thing in our lives, how many people would accept that gift. If you changed the fact that you did drugs in 1988, maybe you would’ve just ended up a store manager, instead of a judge.
Would you be willing to give up having a child, just to have a ex-lover be erased from your passed?
I wonder……

Introduction...

I decided to start this blog simply because I sometimes have so many thoughts going through my head about so many different topics that I figured I might as well jot them down. I used to keep a journal as a teen and in my early twenties... but I guess it's time to move past that, and into the techno world that we've become.

I am a twenty seven year old stay at home mother of two toddler boys.

Sometimes, life can get the better of you. When you're life becomes too routine, too simple, you can find yourself feeling like a prisoner in someone else's world. You love your children, and adore you Significant Other, but you feel alone sometimes. Another Reason I've decided to start this post. So I can remember that I am more than a mother to two boys, I am more than his significant other, I am more than all of those labels, My mother's daughter, and so on and so on... I am a Woman, who loves to write stories, poetry, photography. I love to see and experiance new places and things. I will attempt to remain faithful to this post. This is the introduction. There's more to come...