Life Goes Too Quickly

One day you're an infant, the next thing you know you're in kindergarten, the next blink you're a teenager with problems that seem so big, and your parents just dont seem to understand anything. Before you know it, you're an adult, those problems seem like jokes, as you pay your bills, and raise a family of your own. You see for the first time as your children grow, just how quickly time passes you by. You watch everything your son does and take it in, but it all passes so quickly, little things you think you'll remember forever, get lost in the chaos of having more children and the busyness of everyday life.

I know my mom must sit back and watch us with our children and see us make the same mistakes she did, and I wonder sometimes what goes through her mind. I was thinking how someone who is 100 must look back and think... where did the time go? It's just been overwhelming me the thought of my children being teenagers, and they are only one and two years old! I try to enjoy this time with them, playing with them on the floor, letting them tackle me with hugs and kisses, knowing one day they will think I am lame for wanting a kiss or a hug.

It Takes All Kinds

I think sometimes It’s amazing the way the human mind works… how very differently it’s wired in all of us. If it wasn’t, we would all share the same moral values, the same taste in food, music, and the same taste in people. We all look different, unless you have a twin, and even then, there’s always SOMETHING that people close enough to you could recognize right off the bat as a difference. - so how does that work? If we were all wired the same we’d all somehow have to look the same too.

How do some people get so frustrated because others don’t believe or think the same way they do? Instead of trying to stop and see the other person’s side of it, people just jump to their conclusions and stick to them. If it is something we don’t agree with, why are we so quick to throw out slurs to make the other person appear “bad” when we ourselves are not without imperfections?

I am not perfect. I am only human. I will make mistakes with my kids, I’ll make mistakes in my relationships, at my future career, and with my family and friends. I will try my best to recognize those mistakes, apologize if needed, learn from them, and move on. Is it wrong that I expect the same from others around me? Yes. Because we are not all built the same. It takes all kinds of people to make this world work. If we didn’t have people who thought differently we’d still be figuring out how to light fire…

It takes brilliant minds, ignorant minds and everything in between to make up the human race. Beautiful people, not so beautiful people, rich, poor… and the list goes on. But we all have one thing in common. The hearts, minds and blood that are in our bodies, it’s all made up of the same things. Our bones will break if hit hard enough, we’ll bleed if we’re cut. We know what it feels like to love.. In one way shape of form or another, and although some of us deny it we know what it feels like to hate.

I guess the point to this post is this, let thee who is without sin cast the first stone. Judge not, lest ye be judged. And so on and so forth. I sometimes claim to be open minded, and for the most part I am… I don’t mean I “agree” with a lot of people’s choices, but I’m usually pretty good at seeing their sides of the coin as well as my own. But, on some parts, I am completely closed off. I don’t get FULL on racism.. I understand being … uncomfortable with something or someone that’s different than you are, but the hate and ugliness I do not understand. I don’t get or understand a woman throwing a newborn child, dead OR alive in the trashcan. - I could say I might understand if she’s scared, but those aren’t the women I am talking about, I’m talking about the ones who do it without a second thought... That’s another thing I don’t understand.

But, I guess it's like I said, it takes all kinds. -

My love.

You know, I have been trying to refrain from talking about things that are too personal, things that are going on in my life right now. This morning is the morning I open up a little bit more.

I have been in this relationship with this really great guy, for about three and a half years... we've known each other for four. We have had a really hard year this last year, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally... we've done a good job at taking it out on each other. I think it's done two things, one... made me more aware of my own strength as a woman, and two... made me appreciate the little things.

We have been getting along a lot better, we have bumps in the road as with every relationship... but things are ironing themselves out. I pray and hope everyday we work things out and make this last because I love him with everything I have. I've made mistakes in my past that allowed me to let stuff slip through my fingers... I am trying my damnedest not to make that same mistake.

My man is a hard worker. Everything he does, he does with all he has... whether it's loving, fighting, working, being a dad, a son, a friend... There's one thing I've noticed. He's always there for people when they need him, even when they dont deserve it.

We have two beautiful, sweet sons together, and I'll always love him for giving me the gift of being a mother twice over. I know I've been mad at him for a long time... maybe because I felt like a failure myself. We were struggling and I felt like all I could do was watch us drown.

I have made the conscience decision from this point on to love him no matter what comes. I'll stand beside him, behind him and in front of him at any given point--- even when he doesnt do the same for me. We can't both be the "all or nothing" person in the relationship.. someone has to give a little bit... and since I think he gave a lot in the begining.... its not too much to ask for me to give a little bit myself.

We may fight and disagree about things.... but i'll be loving him while we do... and when we're done I'll make sure to let him know just how much I do love him.

I love you Sonny Ray Mays.

What's in a Name?

When I was a little girl, my kindergarten teacher insisted my name was Debra. Well I blew up on her. My name was Debralee… DEBRA was my mom’s name! I think I even cried… Why didn’t she understand?! Other names I went by, were Houston, my last name, Gizmo, by my cousin’s man, and when I was eleven they named me Shy Girl. When I was thirteen was the first time anyone ever shortened my first name and it kind of fit me. I was being introduced to this guy, he called me Beverly (it happens a lot) and I said, “No, Deb-ra Lee”… and he said… oh that’s a cool name… can I call you D’Lee… lol and that’s how D’Lee came about…

I often find myself meeting someone whose names don’t really fit them, and I wonder what’s in a name? How does it “fit” you? How does a handsome man with a perfect body get a name like Bob? Bob is a short fat balding mans name (I’m just saying… look at it… it’s a short fat name ha-ha). When I chose the names of my children, was I also filling in the destiny of who they will become? What will their friends call them; will those be the names they stick to when they are grown? Will Gabriel ultimately choose to be called Nicholas? Will he hate that he has three names? I don’t know what got me thinking about that… Maybe because my friend recently told me if I had another child soon it would be a boy. Another boy? What would I name another boy, I gave my sons the best names I could come up with dang it lol. So I came up with Domenic Angelo Nathaniel Mays. I like it. What do you think? I think Domenic goes well with Cody and Gabriel. I am hoping Gabriel will hate being called Gabe as much as I didn’t like being called by my mother’s name. I really don’t like Gabe lol. But he’s becoming a little Gabe. He’s growing up, and has this “I rule, you drool” persona lol. Cody reminds me of a couple Cody’s I’ve known.. A little clumsy, sheepish, smiley, and just easily puts a smile on the face of most people he knows.

Does choosing a name like George, John or Thomas make a child more likely to have a better easier life? Will it make them smarter, more career oriented? Maybe they’d become little politicians.

I guess in the end, I just keep coming back to the thought.. What is in a name?…

　

Hope.

I talk to my friends about their relationships, and they all open up to me. I try to keep my mouth shut, but the older I get, the harder it gets. If he ain't worth a damn I'm more likely to tell you nowadays. I used to sit there and listen to my girls while they'd pour their hearts out to me, but after going through my own heartaches I've come to this conclusion.

Love is nothing but a Hope in our heart. If we love someone, no matter how bad it gets, we just keep hoping it'll change. I mean, yeah, some of us get up and walk away.. but after how many battles.. how many arguments? how many "one last chances"? How many excuses do we have to make up for our significant other before we realize that we're making up the excuses, and accepting them before they even come through the door...

How can we watch the clock, knowing he's out with someone else in our hearts, and when his lies come pouring out at 4am about where he was, we sigh with relief. We know if we push to hard the cracks will show so we hug them and kiss them, and when they reject our move for more... we accept the excuses of them being tired.... sore... even though we know its lies.

How can we feel the burn of his hand across our cheeks and not want to run in the other direction? how come some of us cling harder... try harder to make them see it doesn't have to be that way... hope for the exception, pray for his love to return?

When he wraps his hand around your neck and slams you against the wall...will you walk away then? Or will you beg HIS forgiveness instead? Will you tell him how sorry you were to make him mad, hurt him... when he reaches back to hit you will you flinch?

When you know his alcoholism is not going to end... and his drug use is serious... and he will never chose ur over his addictions... will u stand beside him or walk away? Love is Hope. Hope is Love. Everything we expect out of love is merely a simple hope... i hope he never cheats on me, beats on me, leaves me for another woman, decides to put the bottle down, asks me to marry him.... i hope he stops leaving me lonely.. i hope it changes soon.... and eventually when our love is spent.... we walk away.. do we take hope with us? after being broken and undone so many ways... do we continue to hope, love.. have faith in another person?

Mothers.

I am part of a website, I'll leave the name of it off this post. Its a website surrouding mothers and their everyday lives. They have every walk of life you can think of on there. The website has been helpful, entertaining and generally all around great to have since I've become a mother. I noticed something on that website and it got me thinking:

we're all parents.. i mean i think for the most part we're all on here with a purpose..

to figure out in one way or another how to be better moms...

to vent on here so we dont vent on our families as much. if that means Susie Q learns that she was supposed to keep her kid in a RR seat til age 1, awesome! .. if it means Jackie O. learns that she's not the only one in the world who wants to pull her hair out on a daily basia even better!

Some of us come on here to teach other parents something.. whether it's a woman of six telling a new mom "hunny it's colic, just put him on the dryer" or a younger mom telling an older mom "well it's not exactly a fashion fauxpas (sp?) hehe to wear stripes and plaid together anymore." lmao.. something as simple as that..

I get that we're not all going to agree on everything... I even get the entertainment of the drama of seeing forty women fight over who's right and wrong about a subject. What I dont get, all bs aside..

is how any one of us could think we are perfect? I dont care if your kid went to harvard, stayed celebate til they were 24 and married, your child might be holding secrets from you because they never felt like destroying your perfect little image of them.

I make a lot of mistakes, I have two sons, but they are toddlers, so I am a relatively new mom. What I learn works for baby number one never works with baby number two.. they're are two completely different personalities. everything from discipline to when i introduced baby food...walking, how and when they teethed, talking and now potty training.. ---- even health wise.. Tylenol worked to get ds1s fever down, ibuprofen works better for ds2 (examples). So I have to be two different kinds of parent to my sons... so i dont get how anyone of you can think that YOUR way is so right for EVERY other kid on here.... when one way is clearly not even the case in my one household? :-/

It's Been Nine Years. Dedicated To Mercedes Talamante

It’s going on nine years…

It’s going on nine years now and the pain, it doesn’t fade…

I try to pretend like I’ve moved on but it still cuts me like a blade…

I still hear the cries of your family as they called out your name…

I still see myself in the corner trying so hard to keep it contained…

I still get a knot every time I remember the day I was told…

That you were gone and I’d never have you again to hold…

I avoid the city in which we grew up and became such good friends…

I pretend I’m angry at you, when all I want is for this to end…

The dreams still come, but your face is hidden in the shadows now…

You and I are always running from the darkness… But it always catches you somehow…

I feel so lost inside because I always knew…

That no matter what happened I could always depend on you…

So much has changed… nine years is a long time…

But I still wish today that you were by my side…

There’s so much I would confide in you, and you alone…

So much of my heart has turned into cold, isolated stone…

No one knows me like you did, Mercedes, no one ever will…

I’ll never forget that moment I’d heard that you were killed…

　

It’s going on nine years now, and I just wanted you to know…

You’ve never left my heart, even though I don’t let it show…

You’re always on my mind; I can’t let you go, even though I’ve tried…

I walked away from everything, and pushed it deep down inside…

Because for me, I guess it was easier to pretend…

That you were mad at me, than to think your life had come to an end…

Debralee Houston

July 16, 2010