So many thoughts so little time...2010

So i am starting to think that its just naturally the course of life that things turn crappier towards the end of each decade... So if you are turning 30... 27 through 29 are just gonna blow.... Get used to it! So this must mean 30 is gonna rock right? Well I sure hope so... Another year and 8 months before I have to worry about that. Things have been hard on me. I have found myself putting up with things simply because I want to believe the people who hurt me are really decent deep down... But who says? And is it really their fault if I choose to be a pushover simply because I love them? Of course not. I wish the best for these people... All of them because believe me there have been more than one or two who have broken my heart this year... Friends...supposed "family". Funny to me how loosely that word is tossed around with some people. When i love... friend... family... Or lover... I promise you one thing... I may not be perfect at any of these things but i will always try hard to be here thru bad times.

Readjusting my expectations.

My sons are amazing.
I spent so much of my pre-mommy days being so sure that my kids would be a certain way, I would make SURE of it. But, as we all tend to find out several times over through out our lives, life just doesn't' work that way. You can't control other people, no... not even your own spawn. My children are everything I never wanted my kids to be, they're rambunctious and stubborn, they're bratty sometimes, and throw THE worst tantrums over THE most ridiculous things. They have no interest what so ever in learning, from me at least, what colors, shapes or letters are.
But, they are loving, kind and sweet happy little beings.
Yesterday, we were hangin out watchin T.V., and I looked at my 19 month old and said, "Boy, Mommy's cold." Didn't think nothing of it as he jumped up. Thought, maybe he remembered some toy he wanted from his room. A couple minutes pass, and he comes up to me, hands me his blanket and his brother's pillow. How thoughtful is that?
My older son, who will be three at the end of this month, saw his daddy's hands were cut up, he frowned, and asked, "Hands hurt, Daddy?"
His father said yes, they sure did. My son proceeded to blow gently on the cuts on his father's hands, and looked up, his big brown eyes full of concern for his father's well being. "Better?" He asked, and then very very gently rubbed his hands over the cuts...
It warmed my heart, and made me feel so lucky to know such a kid.. much less be the child's mother... So, he may not be everything I wanted my kids to be, but he's a million times better than anything I could have hoped for. It doesn't matter if my son wins the Nobel prize, or goes to ivy league colleges, in the end, all that really matters is that he's happy, that he's loving and kind. That he cares about others.

Tired of being Super Woman.

I'm tired of being super woman.
a person who's supposedly strong enough to bear the weight of a thousand problems on her shoulders, a person who's supposed to be able to read minds and work through problems by the end of the chapter.
I'm tired of having two hands, with the ability to do twenty things at once with them, and the ability to go days and days without sleep. I'm tired of flying in circles trying to turn back time when I can't get it far enough back to actually fix anything that went wrong. I'm tired of having to have duo personas to hide the real me from the world.
So this is my Cape, and my mask. I'll gladly hand over my super powers if only the promise that your kryptonite can no longer cause me any harm.

Poem "just a second away from falling apart at the seams"

Her eyes don’t smile anymore, her shoulders droop, her head is hanging low…

Confused as the wind on a stormy day, not knowing which direction to go….

She sees the faces of her sons, and she can’t help but to smile just a little….

She gives more than her fair share of love, without expecting a meet in the middle…

She allows the weight of everyone’s problems to sit on her shoulders…

Tries to be there for those she loves, and still it’s hard to find someone to hold her…

When at the end of the day, everyone walks away, she feels a little more empty inside.

She’s brushed everything off, and when asked she always says she’s fine.

She’s learned from the past, and present and other’s she’s helped to heal…

That it does no good to cry, it does no good to ask why, it does no good to feel…

She just lays down on her pillow, and when the tears start to brim her eyes…

She closes them tightly and starts telling herself some more lies…

“I’ll get through this okay, I’ll be just fine…

I’ll be stronger for this, It’ll just take some time”….

She looks in the mirror the next day and her eyes swollen from tears that escaped in her dreams…

So the next time you ask her, and she says she’s okay, she’s just a second away from falling apart at the seams…

Being Thankful...

I have been a big fat cry baby all week, comes with age I guess... hormones.

I watch something even remotely touching, and tears come to my eyes, or pour out... in buckets lately....

but today was a whole other level of emotions... I was watching a clip of Rachael Ray's show on my FB page, and it sent me reeling, I sobbed.. (and I do mean my shoulders were shaking, I sounded like I'd just lost my best friend) for this beautiful girl they had on the show who has battled cancer... and all the people she went to camp with. Never knew the girl a day in my life.

I am not sad for the girl in the Rachael Ray show, I was so happy for her, because she was such a strong person. She had an amputated leg and cancer and all these things going on, and yet. she smiles. She doesn't let anything stop her from living life to the fullest extent that she can. It just made me lose my emotional control because I felt for her mother. Imagine, your child going through something so awful, and watching as they take everything with a grain of salt and try to be the best of whatever they put their minds to, despite their situation, whatever it may be. It must be so scary, heartbreaking, sad... and yet she must also be so proud, and happy that her daughter is such a strong spirited girl/young woman.

My son found this little piece of fabric we used to use on him when he was an infant to wrap around his chest with little heart/breathing detectors attached... he had a SIDS machine from 4 to 6 almost 7 months of age. It was a very hard time. the times in and out of the emergency room, all the time with his doctor and ER doctors pretty much looking at us like they didn't believe us... finally after being sick of us showing up in his office, his pediatrician sends us to the children's hospital in Houston. there we stay for 5 days. they do a few tests.. simple tests really, but there's nothing more heart breaking than seeing your baby with wires running down their nose or attached to heart monitors, nurses coming in all hours of the day and night to give him medicine... He is eventually diagnosed with Sleep Apnea due to Severe Acid Reflux.

If you have ever had acid reflux, it burns your throat pretty badly. It's not about diet, it's just your stomach produces too much acid and it comes up and burns your esophagus, sometimes it comes up too high, and u can choke on it.... as adults we can sit up and catch our breaths easily... as an infant, he could only lay there, and of course since he was just a baby he didn't know hey rolling over could help this! They prescribed Prevacid and bethanacol (sp) and it helped out so much, and by the time he was 9 months old and able to sit up on his own, the acid reflux worked itself out...

Through all the blood drawn, and being held down for this test or that... He always smiled. They loved him, because he would wake up and coo and agoo and bat his long eyelashes at them and laugh... he was always happy. still is the little booger. He's almost 18 months now, and you of course would never know he had issues as an infant. He found that piece of fabric, and it made me tear up with happiness. I seen my baby turn blue, become lifeless and limp because he could not catch his breath, on several occasions. There was at least one time I was nearly positive my baby was gone. I woke with my heart in my throat because I heard the screech of that SIDS machine and heard him gagging....

And here he is now, running around, causing trouble with his big brother. There's nothing more I could ask for. Nothing.

So, It has recently occured to me...

I am okay.

You know, just when you start to think crap keeps piling up on you and you're never going to be able to crawl out of it... you see two women walking down the street looking angry and overhear them complaining about things you don't even halfway have to worry about... and you start to reflect and rearrange things in your life.

Yes, there's a lot of drama and heartache in my life sometimes. Sometimes I have no control over it, other times I am the cause of it because I can't just let people walk away from me without feeling like I've been heard. But, the drama is superficial, and can be wiped off, well most of it anyway. Some of it runs deeper than anyone will ever know. But I have come to a point that I am ready to wipe the superficial "drama" off my slate and start anew. I want happiness in my life, and the lives of those within my circle.

I know sometimes it's hard to let people walk away, but if that's what they need to do, then I need to start letting them walk. If they don't come back, they are the ones missing out, not me. I am a strong woman, a kind person, a loving mother, a good friend and a great lover (in and out of bed haha) and I deserve to have good loving strong kind great people in my life as well.... I can be mean, but often as a reflection of how I am being treated. - and sometimes I am just in a bad mood... I'm entitled to have bad days too... not just those around me. I don't always have to be the brick wall you lean on. I should be able to lean back on you as well.. like two trees bending in the winds...

Going back to school... ?

Sometimes, I think I've let myself down. I think I could be something really important in life, maybe not in YOUR life, but in someones life... you know what I mean? I have to keep reminding myself, that right now I am trying to do what's best for my children, but then I think, am I? Maybe I should go back to school, they are old enough now to be in daycare... I think I am officially ready to take that step. But Emotionally there are a lot of things going on that make me wonder if now is the right time to invest in my education... I am so frustrated by my own indecision and of course by my own scaredy cat social anxiety... the thought of being surrounded by new people and doing something for myself... it all seems like a waste...grrr see what I mean?! ... lol..