Being Thankful...

I have been a big fat cry baby all week, comes with age I guess... hormones.

I watch something even remotely touching, and tears come to my eyes, or pour out... in buckets lately....

but today was a whole other level of emotions... I was watching a clip of Rachael Ray's show on my FB page, and it sent me reeling, I sobbed.. (and I do mean my shoulders were shaking, I sounded like I'd just lost my best friend) for this beautiful girl they had on the show who has battled cancer... and all the people she went to camp with. Never knew the girl a day in my life.

I am not sad for the girl in the Rachael Ray show, I was so happy for her, because she was such a strong person. She had an amputated leg and cancer and all these things going on, and yet. she smiles. She doesn't let anything stop her from living life to the fullest extent that she can. It just made me lose my emotional control because I felt for her mother. Imagine, your child going through something so awful, and watching as they take everything with a grain of salt and try to be the best of whatever they put their minds to, despite their situation, whatever it may be. It must be so scary, heartbreaking, sad... and yet she must also be so proud, and happy that her daughter is such a strong spirited girl/young woman.

My son found this little piece of fabric we used to use on him when he was an infant to wrap around his chest with little heart/breathing detectors attached... he had a SIDS machine from 4 to 6 almost 7 months of age. It was a very hard time. the times in and out of the emergency room, all the time with his doctor and ER doctors pretty much looking at us like they didn't believe us... finally after being sick of us showing up in his office, his pediatrician sends us to the children's hospital in Houston. there we stay for 5 days. they do a few tests.. simple tests really, but there's nothing more heart breaking than seeing your baby with wires running down their nose or attached to heart monitors, nurses coming in all hours of the day and night to give him medicine... He is eventually diagnosed with Sleep Apnea due to Severe Acid Reflux.

If you have ever had acid reflux, it burns your throat pretty badly. It's not about diet, it's just your stomach produces too much acid and it comes up and burns your esophagus, sometimes it comes up too high, and u can choke on it.... as adults we can sit up and catch our breaths easily... as an infant, he could only lay there, and of course since he was just a baby he didn't know hey rolling over could help this! They prescribed Prevacid and bethanacol (sp) and it helped out so much, and by the time he was 9 months old and able to sit up on his own, the acid reflux worked itself out...

Through all the blood drawn, and being held down for this test or that... He always smiled. They loved him, because he would wake up and coo and agoo and bat his long eyelashes at them and laugh... he was always happy. still is the little booger. He's almost 18 months now, and you of course would never know he had issues as an infant. He found that piece of fabric, and it made me tear up with happiness. I seen my baby turn blue, become lifeless and limp because he could not catch his breath, on several occasions. There was at least one time I was nearly positive my baby was gone. I woke with my heart in my throat because I heard the screech of that SIDS machine and heard him gagging....

And here he is now, running around, causing trouble with his big brother. There's nothing more I could ask for. Nothing.

So, It has recently occured to me...

I am okay.

You know, just when you start to think crap keeps piling up on you and you're never going to be able to crawl out of it... you see two women walking down the street looking angry and overhear them complaining about things you don't even halfway have to worry about... and you start to reflect and rearrange things in your life.

Yes, there's a lot of drama and heartache in my life sometimes. Sometimes I have no control over it, other times I am the cause of it because I can't just let people walk away from me without feeling like I've been heard. But, the drama is superficial, and can be wiped off, well most of it anyway. Some of it runs deeper than anyone will ever know. But I have come to a point that I am ready to wipe the superficial "drama" off my slate and start anew. I want happiness in my life, and the lives of those within my circle.

I know sometimes it's hard to let people walk away, but if that's what they need to do, then I need to start letting them walk. If they don't come back, they are the ones missing out, not me. I am a strong woman, a kind person, a loving mother, a good friend and a great lover (in and out of bed haha) and I deserve to have good loving strong kind great people in my life as well.... I can be mean, but often as a reflection of how I am being treated. - and sometimes I am just in a bad mood... I'm entitled to have bad days too... not just those around me. I don't always have to be the brick wall you lean on. I should be able to lean back on you as well.. like two trees bending in the winds...

Going back to school... ?

Sometimes, I think I've let myself down. I think I could be something really important in life, maybe not in YOUR life, but in someones life... you know what I mean? I have to keep reminding myself, that right now I am trying to do what's best for my children, but then I think, am I? Maybe I should go back to school, they are old enough now to be in daycare... I think I am officially ready to take that step. But Emotionally there are a lot of things going on that make me wonder if now is the right time to invest in my education... I am so frustrated by my own indecision and of course by my own scaredy cat social anxiety... the thought of being surrounded by new people and doing something for myself... it all seems like a waste...grrr see what I mean?! ... lol..