My thoughts these days...

Working, Kids, Love and Life.

So, Shortly after my last post I started my job at Picture Me Portraits. I love it because it deals with photography and people. I don't get a lot of hours, and soon I'll be getting less so I am looking for another job, either on top of this one or instead depending on the hours the new job will offer.
I am still in Santa fe and still at my sisters house. I love being able to hang out with her and her kids, I love all she does, but I really miss Texas.
I also miss Sonny, he and I started to really work things out before I left and have taken it all to another level of good since I've been here. He's gotten back to good, and I couldn't be happier for him. I just wish I was there to enjoy him. We talked a lot about moving out here to start over but the more I think about it, the more I miss Lake Jackson, or even Clute.
New Mexico, although it's where I come from, has never felt like a good fit for me... and still doesn't.
I sure as hell don't fit in Liverpool either, that's for damn sure.. lol... but, if I had my choice and could find a place and a job in LJ, I'd go back.. wouldn't take me more than two heart beats... that's for damn sure.
..... I'm a workin' mama now... I enjoy it but it is hard work because the duties of a stay at home mom don't elude you just becuz you're not by your children's side for 8 hrs of the day... you still have to clean, cook, bathe, fight with them over what to where, what to eat.. cuddle them when they need it and let them grow when they dont... being a mama is a very exhausting but rewarding job.

It's been awhile... but...

so, here I am, last time I blogged I was in NM, about a month later I moved back to TX to give it one last chance.. one last try... and here I sit in NM again, so I guess that tells you what happened.
I've been looking for a job, so the stay at home mom thing will hopefully soon be coming to an end. Not that I don't want to be at home with my sons, that's the part that hurts the worse, but I have to do what I have to do to show them that when things get hard you are the only one who can pull yourself out of it. I spent the last couple of years waiting for broken promises to be kept and for someone to step up the way they needed to, that wasn't their fault, but mine for sticking it out so long.
my sons are tons happier here, despite a few very rocky beginings, they're prospering very well. they are a bit out of control, I know once I am able to get my own place and get things on track, and in my own place, that they will start behaving very well.
I am so grateful to my sister for helping me out, I know it's a lot to take on a whole family, especially at this time, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I am waiting very patiently for my phone call that says hey come in so you can start training!
Soon enough, I know.

So many thoughts so little time...2010

So i am starting to think that its just naturally the course of life that things turn crappier towards the end of each decade... So if you are turning 30... 27 through 29 are just gonna blow.... Get used to it! So this must mean 30 is gonna rock right? Well I sure hope so... Another year and 8 months before I have to worry about that. Things have been hard on me. I have found myself putting up with things simply because I want to believe the people who hurt me are really decent deep down... But who says? And is it really their fault if I choose to be a pushover simply because I love them? Of course not. I wish the best for these people... All of them because believe me there have been more than one or two who have broken my heart this year... Friends...supposed "family". Funny to me how loosely that word is tossed around with some people. When i love... friend... family... Or lover... I promise you one thing... I may not be perfect at any of these things but i will always try hard to be here thru bad times.

Readjusting my expectations.

My sons are amazing.
I spent so much of my pre-mommy days being so sure that my kids would be a certain way, I would make SURE of it. But, as we all tend to find out several times over through out our lives, life just doesn't' work that way. You can't control other people, no... not even your own spawn. My children are everything I never wanted my kids to be, they're rambunctious and stubborn, they're bratty sometimes, and throw THE worst tantrums over THE most ridiculous things. They have no interest what so ever in learning, from me at least, what colors, shapes or letters are.
But, they are loving, kind and sweet happy little beings.
Yesterday, we were hangin out watchin T.V., and I looked at my 19 month old and said, "Boy, Mommy's cold." Didn't think nothing of it as he jumped up. Thought, maybe he remembered some toy he wanted from his room. A couple minutes pass, and he comes up to me, hands me his blanket and his brother's pillow. How thoughtful is that?
My older son, who will be three at the end of this month, saw his daddy's hands were cut up, he frowned, and asked, "Hands hurt, Daddy?"
His father said yes, they sure did. My son proceeded to blow gently on the cuts on his father's hands, and looked up, his big brown eyes full of concern for his father's well being. "Better?" He asked, and then very very gently rubbed his hands over the cuts...
It warmed my heart, and made me feel so lucky to know such a kid.. much less be the child's mother... So, he may not be everything I wanted my kids to be, but he's a million times better than anything I could have hoped for. It doesn't matter if my son wins the Nobel prize, or goes to ivy league colleges, in the end, all that really matters is that he's happy, that he's loving and kind. That he cares about others.

Tired of being Super Woman.

I'm tired of being super woman.
a person who's supposedly strong enough to bear the weight of a thousand problems on her shoulders, a person who's supposed to be able to read minds and work through problems by the end of the chapter.
I'm tired of having two hands, with the ability to do twenty things at once with them, and the ability to go days and days without sleep. I'm tired of flying in circles trying to turn back time when I can't get it far enough back to actually fix anything that went wrong. I'm tired of having to have duo personas to hide the real me from the world.
So this is my Cape, and my mask. I'll gladly hand over my super powers if only the promise that your kryptonite can no longer cause me any harm.

Poem "just a second away from falling apart at the seams"

Her eyes don’t smile anymore, her shoulders droop, her head is hanging low…

Confused as the wind on a stormy day, not knowing which direction to go….

She sees the faces of her sons, and she can’t help but to smile just a little….

She gives more than her fair share of love, without expecting a meet in the middle…

She allows the weight of everyone’s problems to sit on her shoulders…

Tries to be there for those she loves, and still it’s hard to find someone to hold her…

When at the end of the day, everyone walks away, she feels a little more empty inside.

She’s brushed everything off, and when asked she always says she’s fine.

She’s learned from the past, and present and other’s she’s helped to heal…

That it does no good to cry, it does no good to ask why, it does no good to feel…

She just lays down on her pillow, and when the tears start to brim her eyes…

She closes them tightly and starts telling herself some more lies…

“I’ll get through this okay, I’ll be just fine…

I’ll be stronger for this, It’ll just take some time”….

She looks in the mirror the next day and her eyes swollen from tears that escaped in her dreams…

So the next time you ask her, and she says she’s okay, she’s just a second away from falling apart at the seams…